Greetings, Moneyist My buddy is getting married, and she has asked me to be the maid of honor. She and her fiance have been together for a long time and have twin daughters who are two years old. They bought a house together while they both had high-paying temp jobs, but they can no longer afford it now that they have lost their positions.
Her grandparents cover the majority of their child care fees, as well as a substantial percentage of their down payment, and are now contributing to a portion of the wedding costs. They take vacations they can’t afford and purchase pricey sporting and concert tickets. I’m hesitant to attend this wedding because I can’t afford to provide her a large bridal shower, bachelorette party, or purchase her a new dress, among other things.
” ‘My child is about to enter college, and I need to put all of my money towards their education.’
My child will be beginning college soon, and I need to devote all of my financial resources to their education. I threw her baby shower, which evolved from a few guests at my home to a co-ed couple party with over 30 attendees. Her fiance has high expectations and strong beliefs about how things should be done. Except for me, she has no girlfriends, and the majority of her pals are couple friends who are friends of her fiance. I’m well aware of how out of hand the baby shower became, and I can’t afford to rent a place, nor can I safely accommodate 30 to 40 people in my home. So far, this wedding has progressed from “purchase a dress in the wedding colors that you’d wear again” to “matching outfits” (the rest of the bridal party is from his family), “matching hair,” “matching jewelry,” and so on. I don’t feel like a good friend right now because I keep thinking to myself, ‘They can’t afford this, and I can’t afford this.’ This couple has a lot of arguments, and I’m concerned about their marriage in general, so it could be clouding my judgment here. I’m not sure how to keep my friendship intact while still avoiding a financial commitment I can’t afford. BFF with a bad reputation Greetings, Bad BFF! Mark “matching jewelry” with a red line. That’s on the other side of the Valley of the Dolls. I have a hypothesis about how many demanding, self-absorbed people end up where they are. It’s all about the numbers. There are two dozen people who did not bite for every one who is soft touch. For the time being, you’re the only one. Your friend’s willingness to compromise will be shown in the next conversation or two you have with her. It appears that you don’t care for her. At the very least, she thinks you’re a better friend than she thinks you are. It’s possible that’s because you’re her sole girlfriend. If you haven’t said yes yet, consider your options carefully. If you can’t commit entirely, both financially and emotionally, don’t say yes. Personally, I would not recommend it. Alternatively, have lunch with your pal and jot down her desires. Calculate the amount and inform her of your spending limit. Tell her you want to help in any way you can, but leasing a venue or purchasing jewelry you can’t afford is just too much for you right now, especially since your child is heading to college. Instead, tell her what you propose. A bridal shower at your home for a certain number of people. You can request one dish and a bottle of wine from them. The majority of people are eager to assist. It also allows them to determine whether they’re providing stuff you genuinely require.
” ‘If she can’t hold a bridal shower without it costing you a lot of money, there’s an issue greater than your friendship.’
She must be considerate of your financial circumstances. If she doesn’t like what you have to say, explain to her that your position as matron of honor is to assist her and do everything you can to make this a happy event, but if it’s out of your budget and she doesn’t agree, it won’t be a happy experience. The harsh reality is that she has only one girlfriend for a reason. There were probably a lot of other people that left before you, or just told her they were too busy or didn’t want to put up with her nonsense. Every now and then, one person stayed until they, too, could no longer handle it. Imagine how you’ll feel in six months if you’re feeling this way now. If she can’t hold a bridal shower without it costing you a lot of money, there’s something wrong with your friendship. It’s not your job as matron of honor to improve her life or to pass judgment on how she lives hers. All you have to do is be loyal to yourself. If you say yes, you must tell her what you are saying “yes” to, including how much you are ready and able to spend, and you must remind her of your talk if she presses you. You have the option to walk away if she does not respect your preferences. “I can’t be the matron of honor you want me to be,” tell her. A matron of honor should not be subjected to every whim and financial demand. Also see: I’d like to get my husband a life insurance policy. He claims that before he’s worth more dead than alive, ‘hell will freeze over.’ If you have any financial or ethical questions about coronavirus, email The Moneyist at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on Twitter. By sending your questions through email, you consent to their being published anonymously on MarketWatch. By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Company, the publisher of MarketWatch, you acknowledge and agree that your story, or variants of it, may be used in all media and platforms, including through third parties. Check out the Moneyist private Facebook FBgroup, where we seek answers to life’s most perplexing financial questions. Readers contact me with a variety of problems. Post your questions, let me know what you’d want to learn more about, or comment on recent Moneyist columns. Quentin Fottrell has more to say: Continue reading
